Let’s Talk About Sex is a guest blog post by Linda Hayles, Dating and Relationship Coach. Linda will be speaking February 22nd @ 6:30 p.m. at Ragu and Pesto, 6445 Westheimer. All women are welcome.
If you’re the kind of woman who says, “I’m very liberal and hate that society has all these rules. I’ll sleep with whomever I want and whenever I want”, then this blog post is not for you. It will make you mad and you’ll have lots of things to say about it, blah, blah, blah…
For the rest of the ladies who believe that a man should invest in them before giving up the cookie but think if you do that, you’ll run off men… Keep reading.
What about your last relationship?
Let’s take a second to look back at your previous relationships. Do you remember that time or those times when you slept with a man and weeks and months later you wondered… Where is this going? What are we?
One day you FINALLY realized that the relationship wasn’t going anywhere and the two of you weren’t anything except sleeping together. You gave him your SEXCLUSIVITY without a title, without a commitment from him, without letting him know what YOU EXPECT of him because you’re sleeping with him. You thought you were in a relationship because clearly, when YOU sleep with a man you’re letting him know you’re really into him. You like him a lot and you’re not sleeping with anyone else!
Except YOU NEVER TOLD HIM THIS! You just assumed that he would value the amazing woman that you are. You thought he truly would honor and cherish you for giving him exclusive sex and loyalty. But when he doesn’t you start to feel betrayed. You feel lied to and used. But why? The probability is very high that he didn’t even lie to you. Most men don’t have to lie to get a woman in bed because there are so many women at his disposal. Just like he met you and you consider yourself a “good woman”, he has met plenty of other “good women” just like you who just like you, have slept with him after a few dates or even on the 1st date.
Now, I’m not telling you need to have some magical number of dates before you have sex with a man. If that were so, Steve Harvey’s 90-day rule would make every man, marriage material. But let me tell you what having YOUR OWN RULES for when you share your body with someone else does. It weeds out those men who ARE NOT SERIOUS ABOUT YOU AND ONLY WANT TO SLEEP WITH YOU.
Who has the power?
Let me tell you something that is going to blow your mind. EVERY MAN WHO TAKES YOU ON A DATE HAS ALREADY DECIDED HE WILL SLEEP WITH YOU IF YOU GIVE HIM THE OPPORTUNITY. You have also! So, the power is in your hands! You have what he wants! Now, what must he do to get it?
He MUST want to be in a committed relationship with the intent of pursuing a life long partnership or marriage. It’s not about waiting 90 days or 7 dates or if he spends this much money. It’s about knowing his intentions.
What does having sex before commitment do for you anyway? If you have sex prematurely, like you’ve been having an then you get your head all in the clouds when he pleases the brains out of you… You convince yourself that this awesome sexual chemistry is LOVE and that you guys are so compatible! But the only thing great sex proves is that you’re compatible in the bedroom.
My clients come to me all the time and they’re doing all these WRONG behaviors like texting first, pursuing him, buying him gifts, paying on all dates, having sex without commitment and then they wonder WHAT’S WRONG and why are all their relationships ending the same way. You have a POWERFUL resource, tool or weapon. Whatever you want to call it.
When you wait to get to know a man, his character, his behaviors, his integrity or lack of it then you also give yourself time to get over that initial, Oh my God he’s so fine, stage. Because it’s during that Oh my God he’s so fine stage that you have sex with him out of sheer attraction. And when you do that you’re acting instinctually like animals do in order to mate. Animals don’t use logic to mate because they don’t have it. But you do. So use it, honey!
Learn to negotiate…
You need to learn to negotiate for the best offer possible. You need to ONLY have sex in EXCHANGE for commitment. That’s it! If that scares off Mr. Wonderful then let him run off to those other women who give it up easy and be excited you dodged that bullet. Now, you’re still free to date the next guy and all you did was go on 3 or 4 dates with this guy, TOPS!
Waiting to have sex is not you playing games. It’s you respecting, valuing and putting yourself first. Why? Because you already know what it feels like to have sex with someone who doesn’t call you anymore after that night, or who doesn’t want to introduce you to his family or who doesn’t want to “take this any further”.
For more from Linda go to her Courage Factor Facebook page https://www.facebook.com/lindahaylescoaching/?pnref=lhc